Unforgiveness

Forgiveness has a way of sounding good, nice, and like the right thing to do, don’t’cha’think?  In fact, step into any church on any given day and you’ll likely hear the word “forgive” several times.  It’s fundamental to the Christian faith.  Easy, right?  Forgive others as we’ve been forgiven?  But what about this…

I stood slouched over the counter listening to my friend as she told me that she was struggling with forgiveness.  As someone who grew up in church, I was curious why this was her struggle.  She went on to tell me her story, which went something like this [condensed version]:  growing up, her family attended church and was very involved in it.  Her parents had another couple that were their best friends, present for just about every birthday and holiday.  When she (we’ll call her Amy) was a young teenager her family was divided when her mom and dad split because she was having an affair with the best friend which split the other couple as well.  They got married.  They called it “a part of God’s plan.”  (Note:  if our actions aren’t in line with Biblical truth, then it is NOT God’s will or plan.  God will never ask us to contradict His Word)  Amy and her younger sister watched two families unravel, Amy being old enough to witness the hurt and heartache her dad felt when he lost his family and best friend all in one fallow swoop.  And though she’s several years beyond this heart wrenching division, she was still struggling with forgiveness because there was never admission to wrongdoing.  There was never an apology.  In fact, they expected Amy to treat her step-dad lovingly and though he was Dad.

So how then, do you forgive someone that doesn’t seek your forgiveness?  This was the question mark in her life that she just couldn’t get around.  And honestly, it caused me to ask a lot of questions about how forgiveness works.  Though my story didn’t include anything of this scope or nature, I know that I hold on to a few things:  like unkind words, or being accused of wrong when I really sought to do right.  Mine seem so small in comparison to Amy, but unforgiveness in all sizes has the ability to cause damage.  I thought I’d share some insight that others have taught me in my pursuit to understand forgiveness, in hopes that it may provide a little help for you too.

   1.  “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, hoping the other person dies.”  You alone will suffer from unforgiveness, not the person you’re unable to forgive.

    2.  “Forgiveness doesn’t mean acceptance of the wrongdoing.”  To forgive means to pardon someone from the payment of their wrongdoing, but it doesn’t mean that you’ve magically become okay with what they’ve done.

     3.   “We must hold others in the light that we’ve been held- forgiven by Christ.  We must not forget how grave our own sin is and yet Christ still forgave us.” 

    4.   “You can forgive and still have boundaries.  Boundaries are necessary to let others know what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with.”  This mentor then went on to give examples such as an abusive father that you may have forgiven, but that you wouldn’t allow to him to be unsupervised with your children.  Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you eliminate boundaries.

In all honesty, there is so much wisdom to be gleaned on this topic from Scripture, but today as I read I found this interesting; it is Paul writing to the Corinthians:

If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him.  And what I have forgiven- if there was anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us.  For we are unaware of his schemes.  2 Corinthians 2:10-11  

Forgiving so that Satan might not outwit us… interesting (or alarming), isn’t it?  1. There is an enemy that is real and 2. That he schemes against us and 3. That he outwits us by turning a matter of unforgiveness against us.  UGH!  Satan uses it as ammo, or perhaps fertile ground to let other [less desirable] things grow!  

My friend, I hope that you can see the urgency we should have in forgiving others!  It may require you to remind yourself that they don’t see the wrong in what they’ve done because they haven’t been convicted by the Word, God’s Word- God’s truth.  Be the light that shines in their darkness by offering forgiveness even though they may not deserve it or understand it!  (You may not be able to physically forgive someone, but don’t let that keep you from forgiving)  

In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.  John 1:4-5

Their wrongdoing is what causes them to be at odds with God, it’s their sin, don’t let it become your stumbling block.  Be quick to forgive, and quick to pray that they would come to understand the condition of their heart and its opposition to God, while continually seeking this same forgiveness from God for ways that you may have wronged Him or others.  

My friend, Amy, had battled this for a lot of years.  It turned into bitterness, and bitterness into anger.  She has since been able to forgive her mom and step-dad after being able to have one-on-one conversations with them.  She chased after God, and the wisdom of others who have also forgiven some really ugly sins.  Amy began journaling a list of hurts and those who caused them so that she could pray over them and release them of the offense, finding that it isn’t for THEM, it’s for HER.  And the reason she can give it is by the grace of God, the very one who extends his grace time and time again.  In her words, “forgiveness holds no burdens, it’s freeing.” 

 

I pray that for you:  freedom made possible through forgiveness.  

Father, I pray that you would help me to forgive those who have wronged me.  God help me to let go of the hurt, the bitterness, and the anger.  I pray that they would come to know you and Your Word, that they would see their need for and seek your forgiveness.  I pray that you would shine a light on anything in me that may be offensive to you, and forgive me for doing that which you find offensive!  I love you.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

XO,
Jackie E