My Rebel Heart VS God

It had been four years since I last returned home, and after being away for so long, I was excited that I would get to spend several weeks over the summer there.  I couldn’t get there fast enough!  Warm summer nights, familiar places and faces and a vast array of some of my favorite comfort foods.  It felt so good to be home.  Except…there was something I hadn’t accounted for or expected:  that stirring feeling to be rebellious.  That feeling that I just wanted to shake the Jesus-lovin’, Bible-readin’ thing, and turn it in for a leather jacket and a pack of smokes. 

Whaaatttt?  WHY am I feeling this way?  Feeling more rooted in my faith than ever before, I pictured my visit to be an encouragement to the people around me to keep pursuing Christ…you know, to fight the good fight.  Yet I felt myself reverting back to that rebellious side of me that I had said "adios" to long ago- that part that believes in God, but certainly doesn’t act like someone who believes.  I’d be lying if I told you I hadn't had several conversations about the goodness of God while being intoxicated (you know, back in my rebellious days).  I’m embarrassed admitting that, and yet I found myself fighting these rising feelings to be rebellious once again. Why would I want to return to that phase in my life?  Didn’t I learn anything?  Am I faking my faith?  Is God testing me?  It raised so many questions and doubts, and the last place I felt like turning was the place I knew I should turn first:  to God.  The rebel in me doesn’t want to hear God…it wants so badly to silence Him.  I was in a full-on battle:  my rebel heart VS God. 

Thankfully God understands this “rebellious heart” issue we face.  It’s our flesh and sinful nature at odds with Christ in us.  Rather than stepping into what God has for me, I found myself wanting to go back to my old life.  This struggle put into perspective why and how the Israelites would ever suggest going back to Egypt and return to slavery.  They knew the misery they had experienced there, and the inability to live free…and yet they petitioned to go back while wondering in the desert (see Numbers 14:1-4).  Because we know that they finally enter into the promise land, it’s easy to read about their complaints and petition to go back and dismiss it.  If we knew what God had in store for us for faithfully following Him, would we stay the course without wavering?  How long would we wander the desert?  My inner battle exposed a few things in me, my walk, and my faith.  And don't worry, it didn't lead me to a Wilson's Leather or any discount tobacco stores.

 

1.      Despite how strong my faith may feel, my flesh and spirit are still at war

2.      It matters who I surround myself with when I’m feeling this way (I have to be around those who will help me stay the course when I feel like returning to my old life)

3.      This is a good time to ask friends to pray for me (this is a battle that can only be won when God guides and protects me from myself)    

“It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.  I love God’s law with all my heart.  But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind.  This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.  Oh, what a miserable person I am!  Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin?  Thank God!  The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.  So you see how it is:  In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” 

Romans 7:21-25

It seems even Paul, the one who wrote much of the New Testament understood this internal battle as well!  Take heart if you too are feeling a bit rebellious.  Continue to step in what you know is right rather than giving into what it is you may be feeling.  God will send you reminders that He is for you and with you along this journey.  And above all else, be careful not to make determinations of who God is based on who you are.  Though your faith may waver, He never will. 

Father,

  Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for standing beside me even when I feel like turning the other way.  Please forgive me for having a rebellious heart and help me to do what I know is right when I feel like doing what I know is wrong.  Please protect me and give me guidance when my sinful nature wants to take over.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

XO,

Jackie E