Loving People: Why is it so Hard?

It’s that time of year again.  The Christmas hustle and bustle by nature requires us to come face to face with the masses of consumers, which is about enough to cause anyone to go into deep holiday despair.  More than that, it becomes a time when we really evaluate our friendships and our relationships with family, the people around us, and those we wish were still here with us.  THIS is what makes Christmas hard.  It’s an in depth look at the friendships I injured with unloving words, the people I knowingly withheld love from, and those whom I loved poorly.  Not that all is lost, there are a few good reflections of those whom I loved well.  And then there are those no longer living, whom we wish we could show love to and be loved by once again.  Loving people:  why is it so hard? 

So when my pastor covers that verse, the one where Jesus commands us to love one another as He loved us? 

“A new command I give you:  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” 

John 13:34 

Ugh.  Talk about a heavy hitter, and I am quick to start reasoning why I’m good at loving some, and why I’m not good at loving others.  If this is His greatest command?  I am quick to feel disqualified from being a follower of Christ.  I’ve tried loving better, extending myself to those I wouldn’t normally, turning the other cheek when I’ve been struck, and not saying the hurtful things I’d love to just let roll off the tongue at times.  And yet, I still get uneasy every time I read verses about how loving God means loving others, and loving others means loving God. 

“Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”  1 John 4:21

 

Don’t you just want to keep reading more verses in hopes that He’ll give us some exceptions?  But NO, instead He continues to tell us to do it like He did…and He died…for people who were rude and unkind to Him…people who hated Him! 

So what gives?  Why would God give us a command that feels impossible to achieve? Let me share from my pastor’s sermon (you can find the link below), and I’ll be paraphrasing, but it is the key to fulfilling this command.  Jesus doesn’t command the impossible to disqualify me, instead He invites me into a deeper relationship with Him where He equips me to do the impossible:  love the impossible.  Our ability to love others is simply a byproduct of loving Him. 

Contrary to every love song ever written:  love is more than just a feeling, it is learned.  This is why growing into a deeper relationship with Christ allows us to better love those around us.  Who better to learn love from than the One who created it?    As Ps. Mike put it, “our branches will never outgrow our roots.”  So if you also feel like you’re struggling to love others, may I invite you to grow deeper in your relationship with Christ?  You can do this by spending time in your Bible… His story written for you.  Spend time with other Christians who will be good mentors.  And pray.  Only then can we fulfill the impossible:  loving others the way Christ loves us…and that is fruit I’d like to bear more of.

Father,

Forgive me for not loving others in the way you’ve commanded.  Forgive me for trying to love them out of my own strength!  Please help me to grow deeper in You, that loving others would be an extension of who you are within me.  Thank you for giving us Your story, and the freedom to draw close to you.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

XO,

Jackie E

Caution:  Loving others and having healthy boundaries are NOT mutually exclusive.  If you have found yourself in an abusive relationship of any sort,  please seek help on how to place/enforce healthy boundaries in these relationships.

Burnette, M. (2016). The Book of John:  A New Command [video]. Retrieved from http://www.lifepointclarksville.com/sermonarchive/the-book-of-john-a-new-command/

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To That Mom

To that mom in the grocery store with baby triplets, I recognize that face.  It's that familiar look, the one of feeling overwhelmed and desperate to survive another day without crying.  I know not every day feels this hard, but too many do.  Whether it's a "teaching moment" or your attempt to control the rage/disbelief that your kid really just did that one really obnoxious thing.  It's tiresome to do the day in and day out, just to question if it will one day resignate.  And though we get a very sweet "thank you" once a year (thanks to their teachers), those thank yous never seem to come after we took one more measure to ensure that our kids don't turn into jerks.  For every middle-of-the-night wakeup, waiting out the emergency room while on vacation, staying up late to help them finish that assignment, staying calm when they defiantly disobey you, helping them color when you have 99 other things to do, and every time you question yourself when it all seems to fly out the window because now you're fighting hormones; thank you, you're rockin' it!  While you may see yourself as an imperfect momma working tirelessly to shape you’re children, I see an army of moms shaping the future.  And. It. Will. Pay. Off.  As I read Girl Talk by Carolyn Mahaney & Nicole Mahaney Whitacre, I think they do a fabulous job of illustrating just what kind of role we as moms serve:

"Two hundred years ago John Angell James, in his book titled Female Piety, reported on the effect of a mother's example in his day:

     At a pastoral conference, held not long since, at which about one hundred and twenty American clergymen, united in the bonds of a common faith, were assembled, each was invited to state the human instrumentality to which, under the Divine blessing, he attributed a change of heart.  How many of these, think you, gave the honour of it to their mother?  Of one hundred and twenty, above one hundred!  Here then are facts, which are only selected from myriads of others, to prove a mother's power, and to demonstrate at the same time her responsibility.

Now if the thought of this grave responsibility to be a godly example enervates your soul, you are not alone.  When we compare our shortcomings to our hopes for a daughter's [and son's] character, the disparity is often conspicuous.  If you are like me, you are painfully aware of your imperfection.  But this is good, for it brings us back to the cross."

You and I, friend, will never have this role perfected...and it's okay!  As a mom, I find that I am constantly reminded of my shortcomings, and love what Carolyn and Nicole share in this text:  Christ made the ultimate sacrifice as payment of our sin, and just as we are in constant need of Him, so will our kids.  Let's be moms that point our kids to Christ.  Just as we're teaching them, we too are learning, and our goal should never be to be the ultimate authority, but be mothers who are subject to the ultimate authority. 

I know you're working tirelessly to teach your kids patience, kindness, sacrifice, honesty, self-discipline and love to the next generation while you're still learning to master these things.  Keep it up!  You're shaping the future, one kid at a time. 

XO,

Jackie E

Mahaney, Carolyn, and Nicole Mahane Whitacre. Girl Talk. Wheaton: Crossway Books, 2005.

blog post edited August 17, 2017

The Art of Waiting Well

We’ve all heard the saying “when one door closes another one opens.”  But what about that time when no door seems to open?  At which point, nobody wants to hear this [well intended, I'm sure] encouragement.  It’s not for a lack of faith that another door will open, it’s knowing what to do when you’re in that funky spot of just waiting…on that door…any door…what happened to the doors?  Somebody get me a Jehovah’s Witness!

I pulled over the van to cry a little, trying to remind myself that it was just “stuff.”  It all started a year ago, when I had already acquired an entire spring season of kids clothes to sell online.  Searching, buying, cleaning, sorting, and storing; a tedious process, but one I had gotten down to a science (thanks to my husband and his never ending desire to simplify processes).  I was ready with a couple thousand pieces of the most adorable clothes.  After all, this is what I had been doing for the three years prior, and really had gotten good at it!  I knew that we were tentatively scheduled to move that fall, but was optimistic that I’d ship the clothes with the rest of our stuff and resume wherever our feet landed next.  And then God said.  I don’t even have to finish that last sentence, because you probably already know!  When God speaks, who can argue?  Well, I can.  I wasn’t crying over the “stuff” I had donated, I was crying because it was my business that I was driving away from, and a door I wasn’t ready to shut.   God, why close a door that’s been so good?  Can’t I just stay here a little longer?

It’s been almost a year since I tearfully and reluctantly closed that door.  After two big moves, I’m just now unpacking boxes we packed eight months ago.  And though I’d love to complain and express how challenging this [really long] transition has been, then I’d fail to recognize God’s beauty in the midst of it.   In John 15 we catch a glimpse of Jesus’ prayer for His disciples, a prayer where He didn’t request that God would remove them from this world, but that God would protect them.  This tells me that His plan was never to pull me out of the uncomfortable, but a promise that He would protect me and be with me in the midst of it.  So while I could expand on all of the hardships of transitioning, then I fail to see God’s reminders that He was with me.  From smooth flights and courteous strangers, to the conversation I had with my 10 year old as we sat in awe of God’s beautiful orchestration of lightning dancing across the plains of Iowa.  Though it can be hard to take our focus off the hardest parts of transitioning from one door to another, take a moment to acknowledge how God has been with you through the uncomfortable.  It’s a refreshing change of focus.

I have yet to know just what that next door holds for me and my family, but I am choosing to trust that God was serious when He said He was the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  He brought me to an amazing door last time, and I’m trusting that He will open another one that’s good for me, and that He isn’t finished with me yet.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6

For those of you who find yourself in this funky holding pattern:  here is a helpful guide on how to wait well given to us by Paul.  Oh, and by the way, when I say "the art of waiting well" it definitely isn't because I've perfected it, it's simply because you and I have a guide on how to do it well!  He gave us this as a guide on how to wait for Christ’s return, but it serves us well to use for when we’re waiting on Christ to show us our next door.  Here is the list pulled from 1 Thessalonians 5:12-24. 

                Build each other up

                Respect your spiritual leaders

                Live in peace with each other

                Encourage the timid

                Help the weak

                Be patient

                Don’t repay wrong for wrong

                Be kind

                Be joyful

                Pray continually

                Give thanks in all circumstances

                Do not put out the Spirit’s fire

                Do not treat prophecies with contempt

                Test everything

                Hold on to the good

                Avoid every kind of evil

This may seem like a long list, but as we lean into making a habit of these things, we’ll find God’s peace in waiting and be ready for what He brings us to next!

Father, thank you for your Word, and the encouragements we can draw from it while waiting for “the next door.”  Thank you for being with me in the midst of chaos, and help me to wait well according to Paul’s description of how we are to wait.  Help me to trust you and be ready for what it is you have for me next.  I love you.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 XO,

Jackie E.

Psst!  Comment below, I'd love to hear about the door you never expected!

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That Stick-in-the-Mud Christian

As I visited with an old friend, she began to share stories of drunken nights with friends and the type of shenanigans it often led to.  As she went into detail, my heart began to sink as I became very aware that she was talking to the old me… the one that would have been alongside her in her wild adventures.  When she suggested that I should come sometime and join in on the fun, I was quick to respond with “oh, I couldn’t do that.”  She shot me the look- you know, that look of “wow, you’ve really become a stick in the mud.”  There were few words I could use to help her understand why “I couldn’t do that.”

Backtrack for just a minute:  years prior I had made the responsible choice to go to a Bible college, but it was more of a “fake it ‘til you make it” kind of attempt to follow Christ.  It didn’t take long to feel like I didn’t belong.  While other students were studying their Bible to learn about God’s character, I was studying it so I wouldn’t fail my Bible class.  They couldn’t wait to go see a movie, I couldn’t wait to smoke lots of cigarettes.  They were good.  I was not…that.  I barely survived a semester of fakin’ it.

So at what point did I go from being too bad to go to a Christian school to being that “stick in the mud” kind of Christian?  I’ll tell you where:  somewhere in between there when I experienced rock bottom.  Somewhere in there when I became a single mom.  Somewhere in there when I chased after happiness and found emptiness.  Seeking fulfillment from others who could only offer me brokenness, and to whom I offered brokenness in exchange.  Somewhere in there.       

So when I say “I couldn’t do that” I mean “I can’t go back.”  And while it may be fun at the time, it’s an awareness of what’s likely to cause me to fall into that cycle of brokenness and trying to steer clear of it… because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the devil is a respecter of none.  Turns out he doesn’t respect the boundaries of my marriage.  He doesn’t respect my role as a mother, nor does he respect God’s calling on my life.  But he will always be ready to entice, ready to exchange what God has redeemed for his brokenness.  And if I give sin an inch, I know it’ll take a mile.  And reclaiming a mile with a hangover?  Worst walk of shame ever.

So can I just encourage you for a moment?  If you’re feeling like you’re beyond God’s reach; like you’re the bad apple He doesn’t see worth keeping?  You couldn’t be more wrong.  I keep hearing people say “Jesus hung out with sinners.”  The truth is that Jesus didn’t go to hang with them, He went to redeem them from the sin that entangled them.  So no matter how broken you may be, know that Jesus died so that you could be redeemed.  He’s loved you at your worst, there’s no need to try and “clean up your act” for Him.

"But God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  

Romans 5:8

Your brokenness in exchange for His wholeness.  And when you can experience that kind of love?  The world may not recognize it, but it will be the greatest adventure you’ve ever had.

Father, thank you for seeing something in me that I couldn’t see.  Thank you for exchanging your wholeness for my brokenness, an exchange I don’t deserve.  Help me to steer clear of the sin that entangles my feet, and to walk according to your will and your ways.  I love you.  In Jesus’ name, amen.

XO,

Jackie E.

My Rebel Heart VS God

It had been four years since I last returned home, and after being away for so long, I was excited that I would get to spend several weeks over the summer there.  I couldn’t get there fast enough!  Warm summer nights, familiar places and faces and a vast array of some of my favorite comfort foods.  It felt so good to be home.  Except…there was something I hadn’t accounted for or expected:  that stirring feeling to be rebellious.  That feeling that I just wanted to shake the Jesus-lovin’, Bible-readin’ thing, and turn it in for a leather jacket and a pack of smokes. 

Whaaatttt?  WHY am I feeling this way?  Feeling more rooted in my faith than ever before, I pictured my visit to be an encouragement to the people around me to keep pursuing Christ…you know, to fight the good fight.  Yet I felt myself reverting back to that rebellious side of me that I had said "adios" to long ago- that part that believes in God, but certainly doesn’t act like someone who believes.  I’d be lying if I told you I hadn't had several conversations about the goodness of God while being intoxicated (you know, back in my rebellious days).  I’m embarrassed admitting that, and yet I found myself fighting these rising feelings to be rebellious once again. Why would I want to return to that phase in my life?  Didn’t I learn anything?  Am I faking my faith?  Is God testing me?  It raised so many questions and doubts, and the last place I felt like turning was the place I knew I should turn first:  to God.  The rebel in me doesn’t want to hear God…it wants so badly to silence Him.  I was in a full-on battle:  my rebel heart VS God. 

Thankfully God understands this “rebellious heart” issue we face.  It’s our flesh and sinful nature at odds with Christ in us.  Rather than stepping into what God has for me, I found myself wanting to go back to my old life.  This struggle put into perspective why and how the Israelites would ever suggest going back to Egypt and return to slavery.  They knew the misery they had experienced there, and the inability to live free…and yet they petitioned to go back while wondering in the desert (see Numbers 14:1-4).  Because we know that they finally enter into the promise land, it’s easy to read about their complaints and petition to go back and dismiss it.  If we knew what God had in store for us for faithfully following Him, would we stay the course without wavering?  How long would we wander the desert?  My inner battle exposed a few things in me, my walk, and my faith.  And don't worry, it didn't lead me to a Wilson's Leather or any discount tobacco stores.

 

1.      Despite how strong my faith may feel, my flesh and spirit are still at war

2.      It matters who I surround myself with when I’m feeling this way (I have to be around those who will help me stay the course when I feel like returning to my old life)

3.      This is a good time to ask friends to pray for me (this is a battle that can only be won when God guides and protects me from myself)    

“It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.  I love God’s law with all my heart.  But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind.  This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.  Oh, what a miserable person I am!  Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin?  Thank God!  The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.  So you see how it is:  In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.” 

Romans 7:21-25

It seems even Paul, the one who wrote much of the New Testament understood this internal battle as well!  Take heart if you too are feeling a bit rebellious.  Continue to step in what you know is right rather than giving into what it is you may be feeling.  God will send you reminders that He is for you and with you along this journey.  And above all else, be careful not to make determinations of who God is based on who you are.  Though your faith may waver, He never will. 

Father,

  Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for standing beside me even when I feel like turning the other way.  Please forgive me for having a rebellious heart and help me to do what I know is right when I feel like doing what I know is wrong.  Please protect me and give me guidance when my sinful nature wants to take over.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

XO,

Jackie E

The Lies We Buy

It seems as though I’ve been repeating a similar story to a few loved teenagers in my life lately as I know they’re about to embark into the journey of adulthood.  “Be careful what personal truths you hold on to, they may not be what God says about you.”  Perhaps it’s because I’ve had an opportunity to see God’s work in so many people who had hung on to lies spoken to them and over them.  Lies that I held on to.  Lies you’ve held on to, also. 

One of my absolute favorite reads in college was Why We Buy by Paco Underhill (Underhill, 1999).  After spending enumerable hours studying shoppers and their shopping behaviors, he and his team came up with a collection of reasons customers buy or don’t buy… the psychology behind it.  Many reasons weren’t necessarily obvious reasons you would think drives buying behaviors such as price and product.  One of the described no-no’s for retailers is the “butt brush.”  Racks that are too close, or isles that cause customers to come into close contact, particularly when their butt gets brushed, while shopping is a sure-fire sale killer.  What if we were to take this kind of look at the lies we buy?  What would we find?  I found myself unable to fall back asleep last night as I pondered this very thing… the lies we buy.

If we’re going to dissect the nature of lies, we should probably understand the nature of the lie giver- who he is, what he does, and how he does it:

Who he is:  lies are the devil’s native language… he speaks in lies and will never speak truth to us.    

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

John 8:44 NIV

What he does:  the devil is not a creator like God.  Instead the devil counterfeits God’s creation.  And just like designer purses, you know you’ve bought a knock off when it starts falling apart at the seams, cracking in weird places, or a zipper gives out on you.  The devil is very good at counterfeiting God’s goodness for us, and though it may look the same, it doesn’t perform the same when it’s not God’s authentic design. 

How he does it:  the devil accomplishes it by stealing, killing, and by causing destruction. 

 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

 John 10:10 NIV

 

By knowing these things- we know that the lies we buy are from the devil, that they can imitate what God does want for us, and that it ultimately will bring loss, death, or destruction.

So what, then, do these lies look like?  So often they are the thoughts we think and feel that if we think it, it must be true.  Why else would we have the thought?  Thoughts like:  “well, I guess I’ll never be able to get rid of those thoughts.”  The devil wants to preserve the work he’s started or havoc he wants to wreak in your life, so often it’ll be thoughts that preserve sin, hide sin, or invite you into sin.  Thoughts like

“I’m not any good at this”

“I deserve…”

“I don’t need any help.”

“If I were more ___, then I could ____”

“I’m naturally sarcastic, so I don’t have to apologize for what I said.”

“He/she’s in the wrong, I don’t have to be nice.”

“Why should I care?”

I think what’s most deceiving about lies, is that they don’t sound the way we would expect them to sound.  Just like an open window changes the temperature of the room, so does a lie change the temperature of our heart.  They seem innocent but change how we view and respond to a situation, others, or ourselves.  They change us.   

Let’s not grow cold in this journey:  here are some helpful hints for letting loose of the lies we’ve bought.   

1.      File your thoughts.  If you’re like me, filing is not a lot of fun.  Mail, legal documents, bills, receipts, and the like tend to pile up.  What actually happens when I don’t file something right away- I tend to look at it two to three times.  Once, when I look at it and determine not to deal with it, and then again when I’m sorting through the pile, and then a third time when I finally decide to put it away.  Imagine the damage we cause when we think about a lie that many times!  The more we think it, the more we begin to believe it.  Advertisers know that we usually need to hear a message three times before we actually receive the message… and so does the father of lies.  The more he can present a lie to us or have us stewing over it, the more likely we are to buy it.  So what do I mean by filing our thoughts?  Determine what the thought produces and file it accordingly.  Does it produce peace, patience, love, kindness, hope, faithfulness, or righteousness?  Or does it produce division, jealousy, despair, harm, hopelessness, anger, defiance, hatred, or disrespect?  If it falls into any of the latter category, I give you permission to throw it into file 13:  trash that thought…it’s a lie.  The Bible tells us to take our thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).   

2.      Put on the armor of God. 

^"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

 Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV

3.      Ask for help.  Putting on the armor of God can feel like an overwhelming task when we feel distant from God.  If this is you:  today is a new day!  Ask God for help, ask a Christian friend for help.  They should be able to help you find a local church that loves Jesus and preaches from the Bible, and how to get into your Bible.  The book of John is a great place to start if you’re not sure where to start.  Have you ever thought about what it would look like to put your own armor on without help?  God loves the church and is His design!  They are people that can come alongside us to encourage us and help us suit up so that we’re able to defend ourselves when the father of lies comes with his sales pitch. 

4.      Speak truth to yourself.  It can be hard to determine where, when, and why a lie sneaks into my thoughts.  The best way to target the lie and pitch it is by combating it with truth.  The Bible is called The Word of Truth for a reason:  it’s filled with truths that will give those lies a one-way ticket OUT.  If you feel yourself combating a lie over and over again, find a verse that combats it with truth and post it on your mirror, fridge, and other places you’ll see it regularly.  It may take a little time or a lot of time:  give yourself grace if it takes longer than you'd like.  It’s time we start seeking out what God says about us, rather than accepting what the lie says about us. 

Father, thank you for your Word and ALL of the truth you have provided us.  I pray that you would help me identify lies that I’ve bought.  Please help me to make right what I’ve made wrong, and to speak your truth to others and myself.  Bring others into my life that I can help equip and can help equip me with your armor.  Please help me to speak your truth over myself and those around me.  I love you.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

XO,

Jackie E

What verses of truth are you using to help combat a lie/lies?