Unforgiveness

Forgiveness has a way of sounding good, nice, and like the right thing to do, don’t’cha’think?  In fact, step into any church on any given day and you’ll likely hear the word “forgive” several times.  It’s fundamental to the Christian faith.  Easy, right?  Forgive others as we’ve been forgiven?  But what about this…

I stood slouched over the counter listening to my friend as she told me that she was struggling with forgiveness.  As someone who grew up in church, I was curious why this was her struggle.  She went on to tell me her story, which went something like this [condensed version]:  growing up, her family attended church and was very involved in it.  Her parents had another couple that were their best friends, present for just about every birthday and holiday.  When she (we’ll call her Amy) was a young teenager her family was divided when her mom and dad split because she was having an affair with the best friend which split the other couple as well.  They got married.  They called it “a part of God’s plan.”  (Note:  if our actions aren’t in line with Biblical truth, then it is NOT God’s will or plan.  God will never ask us to contradict His Word)  Amy and her younger sister watched two families unravel, Amy being old enough to witness the hurt and heartache her dad felt when he lost his family and best friend all in one fallow swoop.  And though she’s several years beyond this heart wrenching division, she was still struggling with forgiveness because there was never admission to wrongdoing.  There was never an apology.  In fact, they expected Amy to treat her step-dad lovingly and though he was Dad.

So how then, do you forgive someone that doesn’t seek your forgiveness?  This was the question mark in her life that she just couldn’t get around.  And honestly, it caused me to ask a lot of questions about how forgiveness works.  Though my story didn’t include anything of this scope or nature, I know that I hold on to a few things:  like unkind words, or being accused of wrong when I really sought to do right.  Mine seem so small in comparison to Amy, but unforgiveness in all sizes has the ability to cause damage.  I thought I’d share some insight that others have taught me in my pursuit to understand forgiveness, in hopes that it may provide a little help for you too.

   1.  “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, hoping the other person dies.”  You alone will suffer from unforgiveness, not the person you’re unable to forgive.

    2.  “Forgiveness doesn’t mean acceptance of the wrongdoing.”  To forgive means to pardon someone from the payment of their wrongdoing, but it doesn’t mean that you’ve magically become okay with what they’ve done.

     3.   “We must hold others in the light that we’ve been held- forgiven by Christ.  We must not forget how grave our own sin is and yet Christ still forgave us.” 

    4.   “You can forgive and still have boundaries.  Boundaries are necessary to let others know what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with.”  This mentor then went on to give examples such as an abusive father that you may have forgiven, but that you wouldn’t allow to him to be unsupervised with your children.  Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you eliminate boundaries.

In all honesty, there is so much wisdom to be gleaned on this topic from Scripture, but today as I read I found this interesting; it is Paul writing to the Corinthians:

If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him.  And what I have forgiven- if there was anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us.  For we are unaware of his schemes.  2 Corinthians 2:10-11  

Forgiving so that Satan might not outwit us… interesting (or alarming), isn’t it?  1. There is an enemy that is real and 2. That he schemes against us and 3. That he outwits us by turning a matter of unforgiveness against us.  UGH!  Satan uses it as ammo, or perhaps fertile ground to let other [less desirable] things grow!  

My friend, I hope that you can see the urgency we should have in forgiving others!  It may require you to remind yourself that they don’t see the wrong in what they’ve done because they haven’t been convicted by the Word, God’s Word- God’s truth.  Be the light that shines in their darkness by offering forgiveness even though they may not deserve it or understand it!  (You may not be able to physically forgive someone, but don’t let that keep you from forgiving)  

In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.  John 1:4-5

Their wrongdoing is what causes them to be at odds with God, it’s their sin, don’t let it become your stumbling block.  Be quick to forgive, and quick to pray that they would come to understand the condition of their heart and its opposition to God, while continually seeking this same forgiveness from God for ways that you may have wronged Him or others.  

My friend, Amy, had battled this for a lot of years.  It turned into bitterness, and bitterness into anger.  She has since been able to forgive her mom and step-dad after being able to have one-on-one conversations with them.  She chased after God, and the wisdom of others who have also forgiven some really ugly sins.  Amy began journaling a list of hurts and those who caused them so that she could pray over them and release them of the offense, finding that it isn’t for THEM, it’s for HER.  And the reason she can give it is by the grace of God, the very one who extends his grace time and time again.  In her words, “forgiveness holds no burdens, it’s freeing.” 

 

I pray that for you:  freedom made possible through forgiveness.  

Father, I pray that you would help me to forgive those who have wronged me.  God help me to let go of the hurt, the bitterness, and the anger.  I pray that they would come to know you and Your Word, that they would see their need for and seek your forgiveness.  I pray that you would shine a light on anything in me that may be offensive to you, and forgive me for doing that which you find offensive!  I love you.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

XO,
Jackie E

When Your Husband Just Isn't "Into the Whole God Thing"

This.  This is a source of brokenness for so many women.  I have heard this story more than any other, a story about a husband that rejects God.  From the crying woman in the church bathroom, or the many women in my small group, to the personal phone calls or messages I have received, just know this:  you are not alone.  Countless women are bearing this burden that weighs heavy on the heart just like you.  Though you may be familiar with this brokenness, take heart in knowing that Jesus desires to share His wholeness with you.

About two years into my marriage my husband and I were at odds.  When we married, he was a single dad, I was a single mom, neither one of us having been married before.  But right around that two year mark I was ready to have that “our” baby I so desperately wanted.  I thought I was finally going to get to do it “the way God designed it.”  Don’t get me wrong:  I loved (and presently love) the two we had entering our marriage and found them to be blessings, but were two broken families merging together:  I wanted to experience the wholeness I thought having a family together would create.  My husband, on the other hand, wasn’t so thrilled at the prospect of having another baby.  This was NOT his idea of finding wholeness.  Onset fighting.  Arguments.  Discontentment.  Brokenness.  Our marriage seemed to be falling apart when he finally gave in.  I got pregnant.  But as it would turn out, pregnancy didn’t exactly cure our indifference. 

The night of February 13^th I laid in bed crying, “God, I can’t do this anymore.  Our marriage isn’t working, and I don’t want to be a single mom again.  I can’t do it, God, just take this baby from me.”  ß I cry even writing this.  I was so broken.  The next morning was my first real doctor’s appointment, the 12 week appointment.  My hubby came along.  During the appointment the nurse offered to give us a quick ultrasound if time allowed.   This wasn’t a standard thing to do at a 12 week appointment, but they had just been given an ultrasound unit from one of the hospitals.  Time allowed and she squirted that cold gel onto my belly and began to look around.  I watched on the screen thinking I would see something similar to what I saw with my firstborn.  But I didn’t.  Quickly my heart sank, and my mind raced with the vast array of issues that maybe God allowed in order to answer that broken, desperate prayer.  The nurse’s silence made moments feel like an eternity.  Finally she spoke up “well I didn’t want to say anything until I was certain, but you’re having twins!”  WHAT?  WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?  My husband and I shot each other the deer in headlights kind of look.  We walked away from that appointment forever changed.

Immediately my husband went into protective mode, caring for me, encouraging me to sleep, and helping me to eat as much food as I possibly could.  We were no longer arguing, but enjoying one another once again anticipating (and a bit scared) of what was to come.  Only God knew what it would take to change my husband’s heart towards me, and mine towards him.  It was this answer to prayer that really pushed me to chase after Christ, to love Him and pursue Him…I was all in.

Prior to this I had prescribed to the method of “we grow together” regarding our walk with Christ (we were both luke warm in our walk).  It’s a terrible method, by the way.  Don’t let your faith hinge on the faith of your husband.  Instead, may I encourage you to take charge of your own relationship with Christ?  Forget whether or not he’s gonna get spiritually healthy and focus on getting yourself spiritually healthy.  It is only through Christ that you will experience the wholeness you crave even when you experience brokenness around you.  I love how The Voice Bible translates Psalm 23:3 “He makes me whole again, steering me off worn, hard paths to roads where truth and righteousness echo His name.” 

Pray for the man.  It can be challenging to know what to pray for other than the obvious relationship we’d like him to have with Christ.  I HIGHLY recommend “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian.  She will guide you through some of the best prayers you can pray for your husband!  I’m not being paid for this endorsement, I am suggesting it based on what I’ve experienced when I’ve prayed these prayers over my husband.  And one of the best things?  When he says something that you know was God answering one of your prayers:  it’s like a cool little inside thing between you and God. 

Pray for yourself.  Every single wife that I know where the husband really just isn’t that into “the whole God thing” has experienced harsh criticism from her husband.  The kinds of words that burn deep into your soul and are hard to let go of.  Pray for your husband, but be sure to pray for yourself too… that God would give you the grace and wisdom to meet harsh words with love and kindness, and the ability to let go of what he said to/about you.  Pray that God will give you the perspective and wisdom you’ll need…’cause you’re gonna need it.  “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”  James 1:5

Keep perspective.  There is more at work here than meets the eye:  there is a spiritual battle happening in your home all the time.  It can be draining when we experience this battle internally- the conflict between the Spirit and our sinful nature.  The Holy Spirit in you will be in conflict with more than your own sinful nature, it will be in conflict with his too.  So be gracious, this can feel draining for him, especially if he doesn’t understand why.

“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.”  Galatians 5:16-17 

No need to hit him upside the head with the Bible.  It’s good to know your Bible, in fact, crucial, but don’t use God’s Word to correct him all the time.  A good friend of mine once challenged me when she asked me “why are you expecting godly behavior from an ungodly person?”  If he doesn’t know God, be careful that you don’t place expectations on him to behave godly.  After all, we’re not looking for behavior modification, we’re after a heart transformation.  Without God’s grace, the conviction of sin can feel more like condemnation, and if your husband feels condemned, he’ll steer clear of God instead of wanting to know Him better.  Your actions will be the greatest testament to what God has done in your life, so love on the man, intensely and insanely.  “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  John 13:35 

Find godly friends.  These are the girls who will help you run the race when you feel weak or tired.  They will help you better understand God’s Word and encourage you to love your husband when love isn’t what you’re feeling.  I am so grateful for the many women who have come alongside me during the good, bad, and the ugly… they’ve been there.  The best part is:  they help build up my marriage rather than help me find ways to just jump ship.  Most of these friends I’ve made through small groups at church- it’s a great place to find them!

Be gracious with yourself.  Don’t put too much weight on everything you say and do.  You’re gonna say things or do things that you later realize weren’t right or the best…but it’s okay!  You and I are a work in progress!  Just remember that the same God who pursued you with a passion is the same God who pursues your husband with a passion.

Quick Prayer:

God, thank you for calling me to you, for loving me even when I run from you.  Help me to respond to your call on my life regardless of my husband’s response.  I pray that he too would be drawn to you and walk closely with you.  Help me to be a reflection of you to my husband.  I pray your protection over our marriage, that we wouldn’t be divided, but come together under You.  Help me to be loving, patient, and kind while you’re working on him, and help him to be loving, patient, and kind while you’re working on me.  In Jesus’ name, amen.

XO,

Jackie E

If you have found yourself struggling with this, please comment below with his first name only, and I will join you in praying over him….and I’ll pray for you as well!  You’ve got the next step girl, now GO!

Loving People: Why is it so Hard?

It’s that time of year again.  The Christmas hustle and bustle by nature requires us to come face to face with the masses of consumers, which is about enough to cause anyone to go into deep holiday despair.  More than that, it becomes a time when we really evaluate our friendships and our relationships with family, the people around us, and those we wish were still here with us.  THIS is what makes Christmas hard.  It’s an in depth look at the friendships I injured with unloving words, the people I knowingly withheld love from, and those whom I loved poorly.  Not that all is lost, there are a few good reflections of those whom I loved well.  And then there are those no longer living, whom we wish we could show love to and be loved by once again.  Loving people:  why is it so hard? 

So when my pastor covers that verse, the one where Jesus commands us to love one another as He loved us? 

“A new command I give you:  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” 

John 13:34 

Ugh.  Talk about a heavy hitter, and I am quick to start reasoning why I’m good at loving some, and why I’m not good at loving others.  If this is His greatest command?  I am quick to feel disqualified from being a follower of Christ.  I’ve tried loving better, extending myself to those I wouldn’t normally, turning the other cheek when I’ve been struck, and not saying the hurtful things I’d love to just let roll off the tongue at times.  And yet, I still get uneasy every time I read verses about how loving God means loving others, and loving others means loving God. 

“Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”  1 John 4:21

 

Don’t you just want to keep reading more verses in hopes that He’ll give us some exceptions?  But NO, instead He continues to tell us to do it like He did…and He died…for people who were rude and unkind to Him…people who hated Him! 

So what gives?  Why would God give us a command that feels impossible to achieve? Let me share from my pastor’s sermon (you can find the link below), and I’ll be paraphrasing, but it is the key to fulfilling this command.  Jesus doesn’t command the impossible to disqualify me, instead He invites me into a deeper relationship with Him where He equips me to do the impossible:  love the impossible.  Our ability to love others is simply a byproduct of loving Him. 

Contrary to every love song ever written:  love is more than just a feeling, it is learned.  This is why growing into a deeper relationship with Christ allows us to better love those around us.  Who better to learn love from than the One who created it?    As Ps. Mike put it, “our branches will never outgrow our roots.”  So if you also feel like you’re struggling to love others, may I invite you to grow deeper in your relationship with Christ?  You can do this by spending time in your Bible… His story written for you.  Spend time with other Christians who will be good mentors.  And pray.  Only then can we fulfill the impossible:  loving others the way Christ loves us…and that is fruit I’d like to bear more of.

Father,

Forgive me for not loving others in the way you’ve commanded.  Forgive me for trying to love them out of my own strength!  Please help me to grow deeper in You, that loving others would be an extension of who you are within me.  Thank you for giving us Your story, and the freedom to draw close to you.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

XO,

Jackie E

Caution:  Loving others and having healthy boundaries are NOT mutually exclusive.  If you have found yourself in an abusive relationship of any sort,  please seek help on how to place/enforce healthy boundaries in these relationships.

Burnette, M. (2016). The Book of John:  A New Command [video]. Retrieved from http://www.lifepointclarksville.com/sermonarchive/the-book-of-john-a-new-command/

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