This. This is a
source of brokenness for so many women. I have heard this story more than any other,
a story about a husband that rejects God.
From the crying woman in the church bathroom, or the many women in my
small group, to the personal phone calls or messages I have received, just know
this: you are not alone. Countless
women are bearing this burden that weighs heavy on the heart just like
you. Though you may be familiar with
this brokenness, take heart in knowing that Jesus desires to share His
wholeness with you.
About two years into my marriage my husband and I were at
odds. When we married, he was a single
dad, I was a single mom, neither one of us having been married before. But right around that two year mark I was
ready to have that “our” baby I so desperately wanted. I thought I was finally going to get to do it
“the way God designed it.” Don’t get me
wrong: I loved (and presently love) the
two we had entering our marriage and found them to be blessings, but were two
broken families merging together: I
wanted to experience the wholeness I thought having a family together would
create. My husband, on the other hand,
wasn’t so thrilled at the prospect of having another baby. This was NOT
his idea of finding wholeness. Onset
fighting. Arguments. Discontentment. Brokenness.
Our marriage seemed to be falling apart when he finally gave in. I got
pregnant. But as it would turn out, pregnancy didn’t exactly cure our indifference.
The night of February 13th I laid in bed crying, “God,
I can’t do this anymore. Our marriage
isn’t working, and I don’t want to be a single mom again. I can’t do it, God, just take this baby from
me.” ß
I cry even writing this. I was so broken.
The next morning was my first real doctor’s appointment, the 12 week
appointment. My hubby came along. During the appointment the nurse offered to
give us a quick ultrasound if time allowed.
This wasn’t a standard thing to do at a 12 week appointment, but they
had just been given an ultrasound unit from one of the hospitals. Time allowed and she squirted that cold gel
onto my belly and began to look around.
I watched on the screen thinking I would see something similar to what I
saw with my firstborn. But I didn’t. Quickly my heart sank, and my mind raced with
the vast array of issues that maybe God allowed in order to answer that broken,
desperate prayer. The nurse’s silence
made moments feel like an eternity. Finally
she spoke up “well I didn’t want to say anything until I was certain, but you’re
having twins!” WHAT? WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY? My husband and I shot each other the deer in headlights kind of look. We walked away from that appointment forever changed.
Immediately my husband went into protective mode, caring for
me, encouraging me to sleep, and helping me to eat as much food as I possibly
could. We were no longer arguing, but
enjoying one another once again anticipating (and a bit scared) of what was to
come. Only God knew what it would take
to change my husband’s heart towards me, and mine towards him. It was this answer to prayer that really pushed
me to chase after Christ, to love Him and pursue Him…I was all in.
Prior to this I had prescribed to the method of “we grow
together” regarding our walk with Christ (we were both luke warm in our walk). It’s a terrible
method, by the way. Don’t let your faith hinge on
the faith of your husband. Instead, may
I encourage you to take charge of your own relationship with Christ? Forget whether or not he’s gonna get
spiritually healthy and focus on getting yourself
spiritually healthy. It is only through Christ
that you will experience the wholeness you crave even when you experience
brokenness around you. I love how The
Voice Bible translates Psalm 23:3 “He makes me whole again, steering me off
worn, hard paths to roads where truth and righteousness echo His name.”
Pray for the man. It can be challenging to know what to pray for other than the obvious
relationship we’d like him to have with Christ.
I HIGHLY recommend “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie
Omartian. She will guide you through
some of the best prayers you can pray for your husband! I’m not being paid for this endorsement, I am
suggesting it based on what I’ve experienced when I’ve prayed these prayers
over my husband. And one of the best
things? When he says something that you know was God answering one of your
prayers: it’s like a cool little inside
thing between you and God.
Pray for yourself. Every single wife that I know where the
husband really just isn’t that into “the whole God thing” has experienced harsh
criticism from her husband. The kinds of
words that burn deep into your soul and are hard to let go of. Pray for your husband, but be sure to pray
for yourself too… that God would give you the grace and wisdom to meet harsh
words with love and kindness, and the ability to let go of what he said to/about
you. Pray that God will give you the
perspective and wisdom you’ll need…’cause you’re gonna need it. “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask
God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to
you.” James 1:5
Keep perspective. There is more at work here than meets the eye: there is a spiritual battle happening in your
home all the time. It can be draining
when we experience this battle internally- the conflict between the Spirit and
our sinful nature. The Holy Spirit in
you will be in conflict with more than your own sinful nature, it will be in
conflict with his too. So be gracious,
this can feel draining for him, especially if he doesn’t understand why.
“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the
desires of the sinful nature. For the
sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary
to the sinful nature. They are in
conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.” Galatians 5:16-17
No need to hit him
upside the head with the Bible. It’s
good to know your Bible, in fact, crucial, but don’t use God’s Word
to correct him all the time. A good
friend of mine once challenged me when she asked me “why are you expecting
godly behavior from an ungodly person?”
If he doesn’t know God, be careful that you don’t place expectations on
him to behave godly. After all, we’re not
looking for behavior modification, we’re after a heart transformation. Without God’s grace, the conviction of sin
can feel more like condemnation, and if your husband feels condemned, he’ll
steer clear of God instead of wanting to know Him better. Your actions will be the greatest testament
to what God has done in your life, so love on the man, intensely and insanely. “By this everyone will know that you are my
disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:35
Find godly friends. These are the girls who will help you run the
race when you feel weak or tired. They
will help you better understand God’s Word and encourage you to love your
husband when love isn’t what you’re
feeling. I am so grateful for the many
women who have come alongside me during the good, bad, and the ugly… they’ve
been there. The best part is: they help build up my marriage rather than
help me find ways to just jump ship.
Most of these friends I’ve made through small groups at church- it’s a
great place to find them!
Be gracious with
yourself. Don’t put too much weight
on everything you say and do. You’re gonna say things or do things that you
later realize weren’t right or the best…but it’s okay! You and I are a work in progress! Just remember that the same God who pursued
you with a passion is the same God who pursues your husband with a passion.
Quick Prayer:
God, thank you for calling me to you, for loving me even
when I run from you. Help me to respond
to your call on my life regardless of my husband’s response. I pray that he too would be drawn to you and
walk closely with you. Help me to be a
reflection of you to my husband. I pray
your protection over our marriage, that we wouldn’t be divided, but come
together under You. Help me to be
loving, patient, and kind while you’re working on him, and help him to be
loving, patient, and kind while you’re working on me. In Jesus’ name, amen.
XO,
Jackie E
If you have found yourself struggling with this, please
comment below with his first name only, and I will join you in praying over him….and
I’ll pray for you as well! You’ve got the next step girl, now GO!
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